I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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