Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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