I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
