you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
