make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
