i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Randomize
