The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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