She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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