Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
