There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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