He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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