I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
