I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Is it penis luge time yet?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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