Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
