I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
