i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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