I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
