do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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