We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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