What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
