If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
