why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
