hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
