I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
