I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
