I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
