I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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