I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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