3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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