so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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