Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
