we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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