Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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