Don't make out with my wife yet
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
