Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
