I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
