I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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