Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
