What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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