I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
