What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
