i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
