Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
