2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Couch. On fire.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
