you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
