You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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