Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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