Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
