Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
