So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
