Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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