my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm eating all of the evidence.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
